Alone Time

Yesterday I decided to skip out on boyfriends family barbecue. I wasn’t really obligated to go. I already put my time in the day before, some 6 hours. Half spent trying to call Boy out of a tree.  My roommates Rob, Midge, my boyfriend and his daughter were all gone so I got to catch up on some much-needed alone time. So instead I ate a gingerbread cookie and cleaned out my bus and my room, did laundry, made myself a gourmet grilled four-cheese sandwich. I watched the movie “Babies”. You might think it’s a weird choice of movie for someone who is pretty set on not having any kids. Regardless, it was pretty interesting how different people raise their kids in different parts of the world.  I guess after making an actual decision about taking a break from the religion of my birth, it’s actually made me a little more conscious and interested in other people. Why do people act the way they do? What makes a person so unhappy and how can you keep yourself from becoming that way.

A lot of this has stemmed from my ex-husband and the degradation of the last two years of our marriage and being afraid of forgetting everything that has happened. Honestly I don’t want to forget. I feel it is important for me to remember, and important for me to work through this. I know I haven’t completely worked through it. People tell me a big part of therapy is talking about it.

I am not a writer, and it seems now not much of an artist. I feel my creativity has taken its own vacation as I figure out what’s going on with me.  I feel happy, but there’s something I am feeling a little ancy about and I can’t put my finger on it. Could be the guilt from my religion telling me I should be doing other? Or that my mom still doesn’t know after a whole year I have been living with my boyfriend? Or the debt left over from my marriage that makes me have to work and deal with people I don’t want to do either with?

Funny, not sure if I should be publishing this, but I had a moment where I got so inspired to doodle, but I was a little afraid of what might come out of this particular experience. Trapped in my world for a small moment, I decided to write instead. Exactly what I was feeling at each and every moment. Maybe one day I will get brave enough to let my mind wander and draw exactly what I am feeling and NOT thinking about. I am curious.